A friend of mine died this week. It's been a very sad last few days. To me, it doesn't really matter how well you know a person to feel sad about things like this. What matters is that you knew the person at all. I got to know him over the last few years. Talk to him, share experiences w/ him, laugh, argue, share mutual friendships etc. earlier this week I went to his funeral and I was truly moved by how many people were there and how much physical love I could feel coming from everyone. Just like they say about tension, I could cut the love in the room w/ a knife. The sadness was there, but it was far outweighed by the love. There was such unity and it's a shame that these beautiful feelings were brought about by such tragic circumstances.
I don't like it, but I feel that reflecting on yourself is an inevitable part of death. You can't help but make the situation not just about how a person you know died. You ask questions like: How does this death affect ME? Or how could I have made things better? Or why not ME?
Why do we make it so personal when it's so obviously not? No one as young as him should die. I don't really believe in fate or things happening for a reason. What happened, happened. Though I wish it never did.
I'm still trying to make sense of everything. I've been talking to a lot of friends about it. I guess there will eventually be a time when I wake up and don't immediately think about it. Eventually everyone moves on. But that's part of what makes it so sad.
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
Thursday, April 12, 2012
After I found out, I called my dad. I just wanted to talk to a parent, partially to get an objective perspective on the event and partially to make sure they were okay. When I started explaining what had happened I started crying. I was freaked and I still am! These were people I know! People I could relate to! I only had Ms. Kay as a teacher for a few days in junior year before the administration changed my schedule. I remember her as being petite, enthusiastic, and somewhat intimidating. Though I never had the full teacher experience with her, we all knew who she was. She helped some of my really good friends put together a literary magazine, which I contributed illustrations to. And she always walked down the halls looking somewhat out of place (she dressed a bit provocatively for her age). She was a well liked teacher. My friends and I met her son Henry one night at a restaurant on New Years Eve. We bonded over the fact that we were LaGuardia students and his mom was a LaGuardia faculty member. We celebrated this fact with sake bombs and a series of photographs of us looking awkward and drunk. And my first thought after the initial "HOLY SHIT!" was "Oh my god, I'm in a photo with a murderer." It's a weird thought to have but it was there, and I think it solidifies the reason why I am so freaked out about what happened. Henry was a nice young guy. He was just like me. What happened to Ms. Kay is horrible, and while I was originally freaked out by the fact that she had been murdered, the thing that is haunting me most now is Henry and how he must be dealing with everything.
I can't help but consistently put myself in his shoes. If what they say happened really happened, then he must be so confused. The defense has claimed that he has no memory of the incident and only realized what he had done after the fact. If I were him I would be terrified and suicidal. I keep getting flashes of 'Law & Order' style interrogations and arraignments and it makes me so sad. There are photos of him online in court trying so hard not to cry and they kind of break my heart. I can imagine it would be one thing to kill someone but a completely different thing to kill your own mother. And on top of that I keep thinking of how strange it must have been for Ms. Kay in her last moments, knowing that her son was hurting her and responsible for her death. When she gave birth to him she probably never suspected that that person was going to be responsible for her demise. And it makes me think of how scary it is that death can really be so unexpected and horrible. The overall feeling I have is just immense sadness and my thoughts go out to everyone immediately affected by this tragedy, his family, the LaGuardia community etc.
I hope that things end up for the best, though I don't know how they possibly could in a situation such as this.