Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Lack of Sleep

I love to sleep, but I don't get very much of it.  This is usually my own fault because I usually cannot fall asleep before 1am but feel guilty if I sleep any time past 12pm.   This is mostly due to more fun things I can be doing, like watching movies or eating. 

But the worst thing in the world is when I am tired and laying in bed and for some reason or another, I just cannot fall asleep.  I guess some would call this insomnia.  It happens to me very infrequently.  I am usually a champion sleeper, but last night I had the strangest fear induced insomnia.  It was like being a little kid all over again.  As soon as I turned out the lights I got all scared. Every terrible horror movie and terrifying scenario started to play itself in my head on a loop.  The comment that Adam made the other day about my ceiling having finger print marks and a weird red smear filled my imagination with images of ghosts and spirits throwing innocent people all over the room Freddy Krueger style.  Those Law and Order: SVU episodes where women are found battered and raped after having their apartments broken into play back.  That synthetic weave I found in the alley next to my house hinted at a buried dead body resurfacing.  I have a morbid imagination.  Every little itch I had or silence I heard was a ghost touching/creeping up on me.  I couldn't shut my mind off.  It was so infuriating because all I wanted to do was sleep but all I could do was think. 

It may have had something to do with the chocolate milk and oreos I ate at 10pm.  Or the caffienated beverages I had consumed earlier in the day.  Maybe my diet is to blame for my nightmarish insomnia.  All I know is, it needs to stop.  I hate being scared.  The number one memory I have from being a kid is just being terrified all the time.  My parents rarely censored me from scary movies, and I loved the thrill of being scared when I watched them, but when it came to turn the lights off at night, I was a nervous wreck.  For almost 10 years I refused to sleep in a room by myself, sometimes even a bed myself. 

I need to learn to sleep in a room by myself and not be terrified.

Monday, March 28, 2011


Two of my best friends from home visited this weekend in honor of Mercedes' 21st bday (my 21st bday is in 21 days!!!!!).  It was so mch fun. 

I love those girls.  We just ate ridiculous food and laughed about ridiculoud things.  It's so easy to be around them and I always forget how much I miss them until I see them.  This summer I will be living in Philly and I am really excited about that, but I am also sad about not being able to see them all the time.  Hopefully I'll have a job and I can visit them a lot or they can visit me.

Dream Journal Entry#2

Had a weird dream that I went back to London to visit and eat a weird potato sausage dish at a cafe with my family...but, I also had a baby?  And the baby's name was Diana (Princess + London???) and for some reason this random guy with curly blonde hair decided he wanted to use me as a bomb so he built a bomb into the skin in my back and it kind of looked like Iron Man's reactor arc thing and I couldn't touch it or move fast or it would go off and no one would take my baby and he wanted me to blow up some mall in the US where I worked in the Victoria's Secret, but I tried to save lives by going to some field and then it was really sad because I kept trying to call my family to tell them I loved them but my phone wouldn't dial the numbers correctly and then my mom's ex-bf called me and I remembered he was really good at technology so I asked him to come get me and diffuse the bomb and my dad and Quinn showed up and we had to steal a car.  Meanwhile, baby Princess Diana was in a paper bag with blankets, much like a wallaby, the whole time and it was really freaky.  In the end, they somehow remove the bomb, but I had a big chunk of flesh that was taken out of my back.  Gross. 

I don't even have an analysis for this.

Bad at Blogging

I've been so bad at blogging lately.  At first it was because I was uninspired but now that I actually have things to write about I feel lazy and also like I want to give my blog a makeover, but the template designer isn't really working for me right now.  In the mean time, I am going to try and blog a bit more now.

Friday, January 14, 2011


Here is why:
1) First and foremost:  After 4 years of procrastination, tears, and teenage rebellion against parents who told me I should get one, I, Keiran Leah McCann, have finally obtained my basic New York state learners permit.  CAN I GET A HELL YES!?  I studied the book and went to the DMV and took the damn test and I got a 100% and a congratulations from a surly DMV lady.  I have no idea what my photo looks like because they don't show you after they take it and the permit card will arrive in the mail in about 2 weeks.  (I'll probably just be a hideous mess, which would be kind of hilarious.)  In the mean time I have a little paper certificate.  It was fo' serious a rather proud moment for me.  Just because I had lacked motivation to get it for so long and then last week I kind of just started studying for it ona whim.   Now I finally have it and it feels almost like a rite of passage.  The only issue now is that I need to learn how to drive.  The idea of driving on a real live street amongst other drivers is just terrifying to me.  Also, I move back to Philly tomorrow where I'm pretty sure that I'm not allowed to drive.  And I have no intention of going back to New York any time soon and I also refuse to drive in the city until I've had some rural practice down.  So basically, I have no idea when I will actually LEARN to drive.  Thankfully, my permit doesn't expire for 4 years, so I have 4 years before I actually need to get behind the wheel of a car.  BABY STEPS! (PS I am sorry road trippers, for not trying to get the license sooner!)

2)  After obtaining such license, I decided to call Caroline (who lives in the area of the DMV) and celebrate by getting a much needed pedicure.  Seriously, it was like my legs were attached to nasty foot shaped rocks.  I used gold nail polish because it is the color of champions.  JUST KIDDING.  I got gold because I love gold nail polish. 

3)  After having our toes wrapped in seran wrap, Caroline and I walked to the Patricia Fields store, talked about hilarious things, then walked back to her house where we ate gigantic veggie burgers with sweet potato fries and watched Jersey Shore and Anchor Man and laughed at stupid things like bears and babies and now I am watching CSI and packing last minute things for Bouvier!!!

4) Speaking of Bouvier, AKA home sweet home, I have officially made the decision to never live in my parent's house full time ever again (this does not mean I wont live in my grandma's house in Harlem, because she is not my actual parent).  From this point forth, I am going to try and live on my own to the best of my ability.  Visits are allowed, of course.  But I just really need to...be on my own.  This place is not my "home" anymore. 

PS I'm an organ donor. 

Wednesday, January 5, 2011


 (360ยบ iPhone app.  Photo of my room.)

I HAVE MOVED INTO THE GREAT PLACE!!!  I cannot believe it has finally happened because it has been about 8 months in the making.  It all started with Caitlin, Beth, Lindsay and I sitting in Temple Towers and talking about how much we love each other while getting ready to go out for the night.  Next thing we know, we're signing a lease together along with ChrisFish.  I have absolutely no worries about living with these ladies.  We all get along really well and are pretty responsible and have even lived with each other before with no problems.  Once we get into a rhythm and routine, I'm sure things will be extra great.  I do have a little anxiety at the idea that I may need to move out in 7 months.  In case we decide we don't want to renew our lease or live somewhere else.  It's possible it could happen, but out of shear laziness and just wanting to finally have a place to call home for the first time in 5 years (ever since my mom moved to NJ, I really don't feel like I have a home base), I really want to stay there. 

I couldn't even bring myself to move everything in.  My mom kept trying to get me to pack things and I just couldn't bring myself to do it because I kept thinking "Eh..I'll just have to pack it back up in a few months, what's the point?"  I hope I can get out of this mentality.  So anyway, the house is LOVELY.  It is really big and located in North Philadelphia about 10 minutes walk away from Temple campus.  It has 3 floors, 5 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, a living room, kitchen, dining room, creepy basement, and back yard.  I have a big bedroom on the 3rd floor that has a lovely view of the street we live on. 

I was the first person to move in, so it was weird being there with a big empty house.  (Thank god Adam was there to hang out with me.  It was actually nice having it just be the 2 of us for a few days.  Of course, he is not going to be living there, but I expect he'll be around a lot.)  First of all it is dirrrrrtyyyyy and no matter how much I tried to clean it, it just did not seem to get clean.  Also, you can hear a lot of sounds from the 3rd floor.  Not enough to be disturbing, but enough to get a little creeped out when you know no one is supposed to be in the house except for you.  Just like neighbor's doors closing or talking.  I can pretty much hear everything going on in the street outside, but I actually like that.  It almost makes me feel safer, just because I'm so used to the lovely and loud NYC.  Last night there was a huge party going on in one of the houses and at one point I heard people screaming!  So I thought, "Oh god.  There's a fight.  There are going to be gunshots."  But when I looked outside, people were screaming and hugging each other in what looked like a reuniting of friends.  Unnecessarily loud, but cute.  When I first arrived, my next door neighbor was outside and even welcomed me to the neighborhood and reassured me that it was a lovely and safe place to live, much to my mom's incredulity. 

The only real downsides to the house are:
1) One of the locks stick, which is just annoying.  We need to get a new/third lock.
2) There are mice EVERYWHERE.  I don't really mind because this is just a fact of life.  Mice are around and will try to eat your food.  I prefer them to roaches anyway.   The way to stop them is to be clean.  Maybe the previous tenants were not as clean in the kitchen or maybe our next door neighbors are slobs and their mice are migrating to our house.  Regardless, the second night there Adam and I saw one fly down a flight of stairs and the third night we were there they managed to get into some individually wrapped Ghiradelli chocolates I stupidly left on the floor.  2 of them were nibbled/carried a few feet across the floor.  Godzilla mice?
3) My lovely isolated-ish third floor room is SO FAR AWAY from the bathroom.  I find I wake up having to pee really badly all the time but just hold it in because I do not want to walk down the 2 hallways and 1 flight of stairs to get to the 2nd floor bathroom with freezing floor tiles.  This results in me having a lot of dreams about running water or anxiety filled ones about peeing my pants in public.  (I have not wet the bed in years though, so that's good).  Last night I was trying to come up with ideas for keeping a pee bucket in the room, but Adam did not think that was a good idea. 

I am 90% unpacked but I seriously lack furniture.  Adam and I went to Ikea and I got a nice dresser, but I seriously need a desk and some shelf space.  The thing is, I have a lot of furniture at home and in storage, I just have no way of getting it to Philly.  It's a big process of driving to the storage bins and somehow fitting it in my car or renting a truck and then I need my parents to drive me back.  Sometimes it really does suck not having a driver's license or a car.  So for the time being, I have a lot of knick knacks stacked around my floor. 


OH DEAR LORD.  I have been very anti-blog lately.  Just not inspired to write anything or post anything.  Not even on my Tumblr.  I am just completely unmotivated, even though there are some amazig things happening in my life right now.  So I am going to try and be more diligent about posting things.